When I'm going to see a comedian, I don't want to see them hold back, and when I'm reading a book, I don't want to hear an abridged version.

I have friends who are going through chemotherapy, and they make the darkest, most hideous cancer jokes you've ever heard.

Well, the coffeehouse audiences never know what they're going to get, and all the comics are different, as opposed to when you go to a club, and they're pretty much all telling jokes with set-ups and punchlines. Coffeehouse audiences are the most forgiving: They really listen, which is the best part.

The thing that bums me out about 'The Real World' is I don't want to believe that teenagers are that stupid.

I'm saying that she (Whitney Houston) looks great for a singer... the way Courtney Love is a singer.

I was a soccer cheerleader. It doesn't get nerdier than that. I was fired from the soccer cheerleading squad after one year, which I believe to this day is unprecedented. You have to understand, no one went to the soccer games. In fact, I believe part of my duties as a cheerleader was to bake brownies for the team.

I was raised right — I talk about people behind their backs. It's called manners.