Basically it's just a whole bunch of blokes standing around scratching themselves

It's a mystery of parenthood that your son can give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to a stray, worm-riddled dog, share a piece of re-chewed gum from a kid with bronchitis and pick his nose and eat it on a regular basis, yet won't sit next to his sister because of 'Girl Germs'.

I knew absolutely nothing about bondage. I'd always presumed it was just an inventive way of keeping your partner from going home.

Teenagers are obviously God's punishment for having sex in the first place.

. . . planning a brilliant menu and preparing it beautifully doesn't guarantee a recipe for success.

Any woman who calls herself a post-feminist should keep her Wonderbra and burn her brains.

I speak as your native guide to the mysterious tribe called the English. Dress code is everything. You can be a card-carrying Nazi, you can pay gigolos to eat gnocchi out of your navel and you won't be pilloried -- as long as you never, ever wear linen with tweed.