It's a mystery of parenthood that your son can give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to a stray, worm-riddled dog, share a piece of re-chewed gum from a kid with bronchitis and pick his nose and eat it on a regular basis, yet won't sit next to his sister because of 'Girl Germs'.

I speak as your native guide to the mysterious tribe called the English. Dress code is everything. You can be a card-carrying Nazi, you can pay gigolos to eat gnocchi out of your navel and you won't be pilloried -- as long as you never, ever wear linen with tweed.

I knew absolutely nothing about bondage. I'd always presumed it was just an inventive way of keeping your partner from going home.

All men are into bondage, 'specially if they're real assholes at work all day.

Women want to be treated as equals, not sequels.

Age to women is what kryptonite is to Superman. Inside every older woman is a younger woman screaming, 'Get me the hell outta here.'

People who say that money can't buy happiness just don't know where to shop.