Love is like a tide. When it's in, everything looks beautiful and inviting. Only when love recedes can you see the debris beneath the surface - the old bottles, the rusty prams, the sewage pipes, the bloated cats and dogs weighted down to drown. The man I had once loved so passionately I now saw as weak, gutted like a fish.

I knew absolutely nothing about bondage. I'd always presumed it was just an inventive way of keeping your partner from going home.

Anyone living in Los Angeles who says they don't need a psychiatrist, needs a psychiatrist.

It's a mystery of parenthood that your son can give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to a stray, worm-riddled dog, share a piece of re-chewed gum from a kid with bronchitis and pick his nose and eat it on a regular basis, yet won't sit next to his sister because of 'Girl Germs'.

Teenagers are obviously God's punishment for having sex in the first place.

If he wants breakfast in bed, tell him to sleep in the kitchen.

Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract.