Comedy should never be over-analysed. It's either funny or it isn't. There's a subtle difference between those who say funny things and those who say things funny.

Television is like a great monster, eating your gags as fast as you say them.

My teeth are all my own. I've just finished paying for them.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.

If I get a hard audience they are not going to get away until they laugh. Those seven laughs a minute -- Ive got to have them.

Freud's theory was that when a joke opens a window and all those bats and bogeymen fly out, you get a marvellous feeling of relief and elation. The trouble with Freud is that he never had to play the old Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost.

The trouble with Freud is that he never played the Glasgow Empire Saturday night.