I had an idyllic childhood and when my parents bought me a Punch and Judy Show and a ventriloquist's dummy, I'd perform anywhere, anytime. My parents were wonderful when I told them I wanted to be an entertainer.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.

I had an idyllic childhood and when my parents bought me a Punch and Judy Show and a ventriloquist's dummy, I'd perform anywhere, anytime. My parents were wonderful when I told them I wanted to be an entertainer.

My teeth are all my own. I've just finished paying for them.

The trouble with Freud is that he never played the Glasgow Empire Saturday night.

I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months-I don't like to interrupt her.

Freud's theory was that when a joke opens a window and all those bats and bogeymen fly out, you get a marvellous feeling of relief and elation. The trouble with Freud is that he never had to play the old Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost.