I had an idyllic childhood and when my parents bought me a Punch and Judy Show and a ventriloquist's dummy, I'd perform anywhere, anytime. My parents were wonderful when I told them I wanted to be an entertainer.

Laughter is the greatest music in the world and audiences come to my shows to escape the cares of life. They don't want to be embarrassed or insulted. They want to laugh and so do I - which is probably why it works.

If I get a hard audience they are not going to get away until they laugh. Those seven laughs a minute -- Ive got to have them.

Freud's theory was that when a joke opens a window and all those bats and bogeymen fly out, you get a marvellous feeling of relief and elation. The trouble with Freud is that he never had to play the old Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost.

My teeth are all my own. I've just finished paying for them.

I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.

Men's legs have a terribly lonely life - standing in the dark in your trousers all day.