There ought t'be some way t'eat celery so it wouldn't sound like you wuz steppin' on a basket.

Most parents don't worry about a daughter until she fails to show up for breakfast.

Politics makes strange post-masters.

I'm sorry to inform you that your 50 year warranty has expired on your back, knees, and memory. Luckily your lifetime warranty on your heart is still in effect. Of course, that becomes void and expires when you do.

Gittin' talked about is one o' th' penalties for bein' purty, while bein' above suspicion is about th' only compensation fer bein' homely.

My idea of walking into the jaws of death is marrying some woman who has lost three husbands.

One of the simple but genuine pleasures in life is getting up in the morning and hurrying to a mousetrap you set the night before.