Fun is like life insurance; the older you get, the more it costs.

I don't know of anything better than a woman if you want to spend money where it will show.

Lack of pep is often mistaken for patience.

Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.

Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.

Of all the unbearable nuisances, the ignoramus that has traveled is the worst.

"Why doesn't the fellow who says, "I'm no speechmaker," let it go at that instead of giving a demonstration? "