There is nothing so aggravating as a fresh boy who is too old to ignore and too young to kick.

No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.

My idea of walking into the jaws of death is marrying some woman who has lost three husbands.

We're all self-made men, but not very many of us have stayed on the job.

I will say this for adversity: people seem to be able to stand it, and that is more than I can say for prosperity.

About the only thing we have left that actually discriminates in favor of the plain people is the stork.

Fun is like life insurance; the older you get, the more it costs.