I prefer writing for myself to perform, I guess. But if I had to choose, I'd rather perform in someone's movie than write a movie for someone else.

1st Valentine's Day: 200,000 BC men and women congregate on opposite sides of Pangaea, waiting for someone to make the first move.

One good thing about being locked in a cage: No responsibility!

Sarcasm doesn't read sarcastic in print.

I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.

I'm so happy to be around people. I just really like people, and being a freelancer can be lonely during the day, when you're at home trying to write anything you can.

I diagnosed my loneliness as premature empty nest syndrome.