Still blows my mind that toilet paper isn't free.

I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.

Guys. If your pants are below your ass you have no right to accuse any lady of dressing slutty.

Most of the people I know in comedy are not weird or messed up.

The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I'm starting to panic that I'm a ghost.

If I'm having a fancy glass of champagne, I'll always mix it with the champagne of beers. Because I deserve all the champagnes.

If you are feeling overly optimistic the Republican Candidates Debate is on.