Still blows my mind that toilet paper isn't free.

Guys. If your pants are below your ass you have no right to accuse any lady of dressing slutty.

The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I'm starting to panic that I'm a ghost.

This is very ambitious, but I don't care. I'm just gonna go ahead and find Amelia Earhart. Every day that goes by, I just fear the worst for her.

Just because I'm married to Doug doesn't mean I can't be here for you.

I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.

Oh man, the car could just burst into flames right now and this would be the way to go, huh guys?