Still blows my mind that toilet paper isn't free.

Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go.

I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.

I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.

1st Valentine's Day: 200,000 BC men and women congregate on opposite sides of Pangaea, waiting for someone to make the first move.

One good thing about being locked in a cage: No responsibility!

This is very ambitious, but I don't care. I'm just gonna go ahead and find Amelia Earhart. Every day that goes by, I just fear the worst for her.