Just because I'm married to Doug doesn't mean I can't be here for you.
I would like to be known as someone who was really sweet but also knowledgeable in all areas of life.
Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go.
I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.
Still blows my mind that toilet paper isn't free.
At first the kid kicking the back of my airplane seat was enraging. Then I imagined it was a broken massage chair and I kinda liked it.