The first time I was on TV, on "Flight of the Conchords," someone put up a YouTube clip and said, 'You're too ugly to be on TV.' And I was like, 'That is exactly why it's a good thing that I'm on TV.'

If I'm having a fancy glass of champagne, I'll always mix it with the champagne of beers. Because I deserve all the champagnes.

Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go.

Some women were talking about how I put out. And that's just not that case. I don't put out - unless I'm asked very, very politely, and that's not putting out, that's just giving in.

I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.

No one knows who the real me is, so I can be a hundred different kinds of me.

All the best movies are the ones that are cut from a more middle ground.