The first time I was on TV, on "Flight of the Conchords," someone put up a YouTube clip and said, 'You're too ugly to be on TV.' And I was like, 'That is exactly why it's a good thing that I'm on TV.'

Some women were talking about how I put out. And that's just not that case. I don't put out - unless I'm asked very, very politely, and that's not putting out, that's just giving in.

Mel: What was your name again? Rain: Rain. Mel: Oh that's nice. Kind of like bad weather.

Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.

Most of the people I know in comedy are not weird or messed up.

Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go.

One good thing about being locked in a cage: No responsibility!