Kristen Schaal Quotes

Guys. If your pants are below your ass you have no right to accuse any lady of dressing slutty.

Another goal that I have is to learn how to play the ukulele - should be fun - and to stop taking my clothes off for money. But I need money. That is a ridiculous goal. I'm gonna cross that one off. That's stupid.

Some women were talking about how I put out. And that's just not that case. I don't put out - unless I'm asked very, very politely, and that's not putting out, that's just giving in.

I diagnosed my loneliness as premature empty nest syndrome.

If you are feeling overly optimistic the Republican Candidates Debate is on.

I would imagine that Bret would taste like a warm goat cheese, and Jemaine would taste like harvati with dill. Hmm...I'm hungry actually.

I'd hate to be a writer forever and never perform, and I'd hate to perform and not write. I get sad if time has passed and I haven't written or made anything. I'm an artist.

I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.

I'm just happy our nations are on the same page of keeping shitty reality TV on the air. Small world!

I would love for people to know that the label feminist is something that everyone should wear proudly, because it just means that you support women.

If I'm having a fancy glass of champagne, I'll always mix it with the champagne of beers. Because I deserve all the champagnes.

Most of the people I know in comedy are not weird or messed up.

I prefer writing for myself to perform, I guess. But if I had to choose, I'd rather perform in someone's movie than write a movie for someone else.

All the best movies are the ones that are cut from a more middle ground.

As you can see, I speak many languages, including the language of sex.

The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I'm starting to panic that I'm a ghost.

I would like to be known as someone who was really sweet but also knowledgeable in all areas of life.

Mel: Does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me? Murray: A little, around the eyes. Mel: Oh yeah? Big eyes huh? Murray: Well... she's got eyes.

Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.

The torture that they are coming up with in China is so creative. They have this other method where they'll take a bamboo and they'll plant it in your anus and just let it grow. So patient. Man, watch out for China, I say. They have all the ambition as we do but none of the heart.

Oh man, the car could just burst into flames right now and this would be the way to go, huh guys?

I mean if you two were to make love, that would be gay. Two men touching each other physically and emotionally...erotically caressing each other...on the hood of a car...or the back of a movie theater.

He resisted for a while and there were some legal boundaries, you know, keeping me from being near him or his family, but in the end, love overcame. And I got what I wanted. I always get what I want.

Sarcasm doesn't read sarcastic in print.

One good thing about being locked in a cage: No responsibility!

I'm so happy to be around people. I just really like people, and being a freelancer can be lonely during the day, when you're at home trying to write anything you can.

Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground.

The first time I was on TV, on "Flight of the Conchords," someone put up a YouTube clip and said, 'You're too ugly to be on TV.' And I was like, 'That is exactly why it's a good thing that I'm on TV.'

A kiss is like a fight, with mouths.

This is very ambitious, but I don't care. I'm just gonna go ahead and find Amelia Earhart. Every day that goes by, I just fear the worst for her.

You're looking good today Bret. Very hot... hotter than Jemaine. You have a refined bone structure, while Jemaine's facial features are too deep set to be classically handsome.

At first the kid kicking the back of my airplane seat was enraging. Then I imagined it was a broken massage chair and I kinda liked it.

1st Valentine's Day: 200,000 BC men and women congregate on opposite sides of Pangaea, waiting for someone to make the first move.

I think growing up on a farm in a certain amount of isolation, with not a lot of friends nearby, makes you entertain yourself and kind of grows your imagination - being alone is quite good for all that. You make up stories, talk to the animals, let them be an audience, a bunch of cows.

Still blows my mind that toilet paper isn't free.

If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently?

I think I've always had a disconnect from what I'm supposed to be like.

No one knows who the real me is, so I can be a hundred different kinds of me.

Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go.

Just because I'm married to Doug doesn't mean I can't be here for you.

You know, quite a few species of fish require two or more sexual partners.

Mel: What was your name again? Rain: Rain. Mel: Oh that's nice. Kind of like bad weather.

I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.