If I'm having a fancy glass of champagne, I'll always mix it with the champagne of beers. Because I deserve all the champagnes.

I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.

At first the kid kicking the back of my airplane seat was enraging. Then I imagined it was a broken massage chair and I kinda liked it.

A kiss is like a fight, with mouths.

If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently?

The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I'm starting to panic that I'm a ghost.

I'm just happy our nations are on the same page of keeping shitty reality TV on the air. Small world!