1st Valentine's Day: 200,000 BC men and women congregate on opposite sides of Pangaea, waiting for someone to make the first move.

The torture that they are coming up with in China is so creative. They have this other method where they'll take a bamboo and they'll plant it in your anus and just let it grow. So patient. Man, watch out for China, I say. They have all the ambition as we do but none of the heart.

Still blows my mind that toilet paper isn't free.

Just because I'm married to Doug doesn't mean I can't be here for you.

I would love for people to know that the label feminist is something that everyone should wear proudly, because it just means that you support women.

I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.

Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.