Sarcasm doesn't read sarcastic in print.

This is very ambitious, but I don't care. I'm just gonna go ahead and find Amelia Earhart. Every day that goes by, I just fear the worst for her.

Mel: Does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me? Murray: A little, around the eyes. Mel: Oh yeah? Big eyes huh? Murray: Well... she's got eyes.

Some women were talking about how I put out. And that's just not that case. I don't put out - unless I'm asked very, very politely, and that's not putting out, that's just giving in.

Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground.

Guys. If your pants are below your ass you have no right to accuse any lady of dressing slutty.

I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.