Sarcasm doesn't read sarcastic in print.

Still blows my mind that toilet paper isn't free.

I'm just happy our nations are on the same page of keeping shitty reality TV on the air. Small world!

I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.

Some women were talking about how I put out. And that's just not that case. I don't put out - unless I'm asked very, very politely, and that's not putting out, that's just giving in.

No one knows who the real me is, so I can be a hundred different kinds of me.

Mel: Does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me? Murray: A little, around the eyes. Mel: Oh yeah? Big eyes huh? Murray: Well... she's got eyes.