Sarcasm doesn't read sarcastic in print.

Mel: What was your name again? Rain: Rain. Mel: Oh that's nice. Kind of like bad weather.

Mel: Does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me? Murray: A little, around the eyes. Mel: Oh yeah? Big eyes huh? Murray: Well... she's got eyes.

The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I'm starting to panic that I'm a ghost.

Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground.

I'm just happy our nations are on the same page of keeping shitty reality TV on the air. Small world!

I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.