Sarcasm doesn't read sarcastic in print.

No one knows who the real me is, so I can be a hundred different kinds of me.

The torture that they are coming up with in China is so creative. They have this other method where they'll take a bamboo and they'll plant it in your anus and just let it grow. So patient. Man, watch out for China, I say. They have all the ambition as we do but none of the heart.

The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I'm starting to panic that I'm a ghost.

One good thing about being locked in a cage: No responsibility!

He resisted for a while and there were some legal boundaries, you know, keeping me from being near him or his family, but in the end, love overcame. And I got what I wanted. I always get what I want.

I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.