Sarcasm doesn't read sarcastic in print.

I'm just happy our nations are on the same page of keeping shitty reality TV on the air. Small world!

I think I've always had a disconnect from what I'm supposed to be like.

Another goal that I have is to learn how to play the ukulele - should be fun - and to stop taking my clothes off for money. But I need money. That is a ridiculous goal. I'm gonna cross that one off. That's stupid.

I diagnosed my loneliness as premature empty nest syndrome.

I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.

I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.