Sarcasm doesn't read sarcastic in print.

Still blows my mind that toilet paper isn't free.

Mel: What was your name again? Rain: Rain. Mel: Oh that's nice. Kind of like bad weather.

If I'm having a fancy glass of champagne, I'll always mix it with the champagne of beers. Because I deserve all the champagnes.

I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.

I'm just happy our nations are on the same page of keeping shitty reality TV on the air. Small world!

Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.