I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.

Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground.

I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.

Still blows my mind that toilet paper isn't free.

Mel: What was your name again? Rain: Rain. Mel: Oh that's nice. Kind of like bad weather.

The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I'm starting to panic that I'm a ghost.

Some women were talking about how I put out. And that's just not that case. I don't put out - unless I'm asked very, very politely, and that's not putting out, that's just giving in.