I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.

Just because I'm married to Doug doesn't mean I can't be here for you.

No one knows who the real me is, so I can be a hundred different kinds of me.

Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground.

The torture that they are coming up with in China is so creative. They have this other method where they'll take a bamboo and they'll plant it in your anus and just let it grow. So patient. Man, watch out for China, I say. They have all the ambition as we do but none of the heart.

Guys. If your pants are below your ass you have no right to accuse any lady of dressing slutty.

I diagnosed my loneliness as premature empty nest syndrome.