I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.

I would love for people to know that the label feminist is something that everyone should wear proudly, because it just means that you support women.

If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently?

Guys. If your pants are below your ass you have no right to accuse any lady of dressing slutty.

As you can see, I speak many languages, including the language of sex.

No one knows who the real me is, so I can be a hundred different kinds of me.

Mel: Does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me? Murray: A little, around the eyes. Mel: Oh yeah? Big eyes huh? Murray: Well... she's got eyes.