I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.

If you are feeling overly optimistic the Republican Candidates Debate is on.

I would imagine that Bret would taste like a warm goat cheese, and Jemaine would taste like harvati with dill. Hmm...I'm hungry actually.

Mel: Does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me? Murray: A little, around the eyes. Mel: Oh yeah? Big eyes huh? Murray: Well... she's got eyes.

The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I'm starting to panic that I'm a ghost.

A kiss is like a fight, with mouths.

Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go.