I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.

No one knows who the real me is, so I can be a hundred different kinds of me.

The torture that they are coming up with in China is so creative. They have this other method where they'll take a bamboo and they'll plant it in your anus and just let it grow. So patient. Man, watch out for China, I say. They have all the ambition as we do but none of the heart.

Most of the people I know in comedy are not weird or messed up.

Guys. If your pants are below your ass you have no right to accuse any lady of dressing slutty.

Oh man, the car could just burst into flames right now and this would be the way to go, huh guys?

Some women were talking about how I put out. And that's just not that case. I don't put out - unless I'm asked very, very politely, and that's not putting out, that's just giving in.