I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.

All the best movies are the ones that are cut from a more middle ground.

I'm just happy our nations are on the same page of keeping shitty reality TV on the air. Small world!

I'd hate to be a writer forever and never perform, and I'd hate to perform and not write. I get sad if time has passed and I haven't written or made anything. I'm an artist.

Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go.

I diagnosed my loneliness as premature empty nest syndrome.

One good thing about being locked in a cage: No responsibility!