I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.

If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently?

As you can see, I speak many languages, including the language of sex.

Still blows my mind that toilet paper isn't free.

Another goal that I have is to learn how to play the ukulele - should be fun - and to stop taking my clothes off for money. But I need money. That is a ridiculous goal. I'm gonna cross that one off. That's stupid.

Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go.

Sarcasm doesn't read sarcastic in print.