I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.

The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I'm starting to panic that I'm a ghost.

One good thing about being locked in a cage: No responsibility!

As you can see, I speak many languages, including the language of sex.

Just because I'm married to Doug doesn't mean I can't be here for you.

Mel: What was your name again? Rain: Rain. Mel: Oh that's nice. Kind of like bad weather.

I'm just happy our nations are on the same page of keeping shitty reality TV on the air. Small world!