I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.

Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground.

Most of the people I know in comedy are not weird or messed up.

Mel: Does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me? Murray: A little, around the eyes. Mel: Oh yeah? Big eyes huh? Murray: Well... she's got eyes.

1st Valentine's Day: 200,000 BC men and women congregate on opposite sides of Pangaea, waiting for someone to make the first move.

I'm just happy our nations are on the same page of keeping shitty reality TV on the air. Small world!

Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.