If I'm having a fancy glass of champagne, I'll always mix it with the champagne of beers. Because I deserve all the champagnes.
I diagnosed my loneliness as premature empty nest syndrome.
Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go.
Sarcasm doesn't read sarcastic in print.
The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I'm starting to panic that I'm a ghost.
Most of the people I know in comedy are not weird or messed up.