I diagnosed my loneliness as premature empty nest syndrome.

At first the kid kicking the back of my airplane seat was enraging. Then I imagined it was a broken massage chair and I kinda liked it.

I mean if you two were to make love, that would be gay. Two men touching each other physically and emotionally...erotically caressing each other...on the hood of a car...or the back of a movie theater.

Mel: What was your name again? Rain: Rain. Mel: Oh that's nice. Kind of like bad weather.

I would love for people to know that the label feminist is something that everyone should wear proudly, because it just means that you support women.

Mel: Does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me? Murray: A little, around the eyes. Mel: Oh yeah? Big eyes huh? Murray: Well... she's got eyes.

Still blows my mind that toilet paper isn't free.