I diagnosed my loneliness as premature empty nest syndrome.

You're looking good today Bret. Very hot... hotter than Jemaine. You have a refined bone structure, while Jemaine's facial features are too deep set to be classically handsome.

Still blows my mind that toilet paper isn't free.

Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.

Mel: Does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me? Murray: A little, around the eyes. Mel: Oh yeah? Big eyes huh? Murray: Well... she's got eyes.

Most of the people I know in comedy are not weird or messed up.

Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground.