I diagnosed my loneliness as premature empty nest syndrome.

I think growing up on a farm in a certain amount of isolation, with not a lot of friends nearby, makes you entertain yourself and kind of grows your imagination - being alone is quite good for all that. You make up stories, talk to the animals, let them be an audience, a bunch of cows.

No one knows who the real me is, so I can be a hundred different kinds of me.

Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground.

I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.

Just because I'm married to Doug doesn't mean I can't be here for you.

If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently?