Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go.

All the best movies are the ones that are cut from a more middle ground.

No one knows who the real me is, so I can be a hundred different kinds of me.

I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.

Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.

Sarcasm doesn't read sarcastic in print.

I prefer writing for myself to perform, I guess. But if I had to choose, I'd rather perform in someone's movie than write a movie for someone else.