Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go.

Another goal that I have is to learn how to play the ukulele - should be fun - and to stop taking my clothes off for money. But I need money. That is a ridiculous goal. I'm gonna cross that one off. That's stupid.

Most of the people I know in comedy are not weird or messed up.

I diagnosed my loneliness as premature empty nest syndrome.

I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.

If I'm having a fancy glass of champagne, I'll always mix it with the champagne of beers. Because I deserve all the champagnes.

Mel: What was your name again? Rain: Rain. Mel: Oh that's nice. Kind of like bad weather.