Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go.

Still blows my mind that toilet paper isn't free.

At first the kid kicking the back of my airplane seat was enraging. Then I imagined it was a broken massage chair and I kinda liked it.

You know, quite a few species of fish require two or more sexual partners.

I would love for people to know that the label feminist is something that everyone should wear proudly, because it just means that you support women.

Most of the people I know in comedy are not weird or messed up.

The torture that they are coming up with in China is so creative. They have this other method where they'll take a bamboo and they'll plant it in your anus and just let it grow. So patient. Man, watch out for China, I say. They have all the ambition as we do but none of the heart.