Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go.

I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.

At first the kid kicking the back of my airplane seat was enraging. Then I imagined it was a broken massage chair and I kinda liked it.

I would imagine that Bret would taste like a warm goat cheese, and Jemaine would taste like harvati with dill. Hmm...I'm hungry actually.

Guys. If your pants are below your ass you have no right to accuse any lady of dressing slutty.

Mel: What was your name again? Rain: Rain. Mel: Oh that's nice. Kind of like bad weather.

Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground.