Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go.

If I'm having a fancy glass of champagne, I'll always mix it with the champagne of beers. Because I deserve all the champagnes.

The torture that they are coming up with in China is so creative. They have this other method where they'll take a bamboo and they'll plant it in your anus and just let it grow. So patient. Man, watch out for China, I say. They have all the ambition as we do but none of the heart.

No one knows who the real me is, so I can be a hundred different kinds of me.

I would like to be known as someone who was really sweet but also knowledgeable in all areas of life.

The first time I was on TV, on "Flight of the Conchords," someone put up a YouTube clip and said, 'You're too ugly to be on TV.' And I was like, 'That is exactly why it's a good thing that I'm on TV.'

I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.