Most of the people I know in comedy are not weird or messed up.

Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go.

As you can see, I speak many languages, including the language of sex.

I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.

Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground.

The torture that they are coming up with in China is so creative. They have this other method where they'll take a bamboo and they'll plant it in your anus and just let it grow. So patient. Man, watch out for China, I say. They have all the ambition as we do but none of the heart.

Oh man, the car could just burst into flames right now and this would be the way to go, huh guys?