Most of the people I know in comedy are not weird or messed up.

Mel: Does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me? Murray: A little, around the eyes. Mel: Oh yeah? Big eyes huh? Murray: Well... she's got eyes.

I would like to be known as someone who was really sweet but also knowledgeable in all areas of life.

One good thing about being locked in a cage: No responsibility!

Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go.

I'm so happy to be around people. I just really like people, and being a freelancer can be lonely during the day, when you're at home trying to write anything you can.

Sarcasm doesn't read sarcastic in print.