Most of the people I know in comedy are not weird or messed up.

Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.

No one knows who the real me is, so I can be a hundred different kinds of me.

Still blows my mind that toilet paper isn't free.

If I'm having a fancy glass of champagne, I'll always mix it with the champagne of beers. Because I deserve all the champagnes.

I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.

Sarcasm doesn't read sarcastic in print.