The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I'm starting to panic that I'm a ghost.

No one knows who the real me is, so I can be a hundred different kinds of me.

I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.

You know, quite a few species of fish require two or more sexual partners.

If I'm having a fancy glass of champagne, I'll always mix it with the champagne of beers. Because I deserve all the champagnes.

Another goal that I have is to learn how to play the ukulele - should be fun - and to stop taking my clothes off for money. But I need money. That is a ridiculous goal. I'm gonna cross that one off. That's stupid.

I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.