The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I'm starting to panic that I'm a ghost.

This is very ambitious, but I don't care. I'm just gonna go ahead and find Amelia Earhart. Every day that goes by, I just fear the worst for her.

As you can see, I speak many languages, including the language of sex.

I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.

I diagnosed my loneliness as premature empty nest syndrome.

At first the kid kicking the back of my airplane seat was enraging. Then I imagined it was a broken massage chair and I kinda liked it.

Still blows my mind that toilet paper isn't free.