The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I'm starting to panic that I'm a ghost.

Guys. If your pants are below your ass you have no right to accuse any lady of dressing slutty.

Mel: Does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me? Murray: A little, around the eyes. Mel: Oh yeah? Big eyes huh? Murray: Well... she's got eyes.

1st Valentine's Day: 200,000 BC men and women congregate on opposite sides of Pangaea, waiting for someone to make the first move.

I diagnosed my loneliness as premature empty nest syndrome.

I prefer writing for myself to perform, I guess. But if I had to choose, I'd rather perform in someone's movie than write a movie for someone else.

Still blows my mind that toilet paper isn't free.