The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I'm starting to panic that I'm a ghost.

Sarcasm doesn't read sarcastic in print.

I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.

Mel: Does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me? Murray: A little, around the eyes. Mel: Oh yeah? Big eyes huh? Murray: Well... she's got eyes.

Just because I'm married to Doug doesn't mean I can't be here for you.

If I'm having a fancy glass of champagne, I'll always mix it with the champagne of beers. Because I deserve all the champagnes.

Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground.