Some women were talking about how I put out. And that's just not that case. I don't put out - unless I'm asked very, very politely, and that's not putting out, that's just giving in.

Still blows my mind that toilet paper isn't free.

Sarcasm doesn't read sarcastic in print.

I'm so happy to be around people. I just really like people, and being a freelancer can be lonely during the day, when you're at home trying to write anything you can.

If I'm having a fancy glass of champagne, I'll always mix it with the champagne of beers. Because I deserve all the champagnes.

If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently?

Most of the people I know in comedy are not weird or messed up.