No one knows who the real me is, so I can be a hundred different kinds of me.

All the best movies are the ones that are cut from a more middle ground.

Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go.

I prefer writing for myself to perform, I guess. But if I had to choose, I'd rather perform in someone's movie than write a movie for someone else.

I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.

Some women were talking about how I put out. And that's just not that case. I don't put out - unless I'm asked very, very politely, and that's not putting out, that's just giving in.

Most of the people I know in comedy are not weird or messed up.