No one knows who the real me is, so I can be a hundred different kinds of me.

Mel: Does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me? Murray: A little, around the eyes. Mel: Oh yeah? Big eyes huh? Murray: Well... she's got eyes.

Sarcasm doesn't read sarcastic in print.

The torture that they are coming up with in China is so creative. They have this other method where they'll take a bamboo and they'll plant it in your anus and just let it grow. So patient. Man, watch out for China, I say. They have all the ambition as we do but none of the heart.

A kiss is like a fight, with mouths.

Most of the people I know in comedy are not weird or messed up.

I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.