No one knows who the real me is, so I can be a hundred different kinds of me.

Just because I'm married to Doug doesn't mean I can't be here for you.

If you are feeling overly optimistic the Republican Candidates Debate is on.

I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.

I diagnosed my loneliness as premature empty nest syndrome.

This is very ambitious, but I don't care. I'm just gonna go ahead and find Amelia Earhart. Every day that goes by, I just fear the worst for her.

All the best movies are the ones that are cut from a more middle ground.