Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.

All the best movies are the ones that are cut from a more middle ground.

The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I'm starting to panic that I'm a ghost.

I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.

If I'm having a fancy glass of champagne, I'll always mix it with the champagne of beers. Because I deserve all the champagnes.

Oh man, the car could just burst into flames right now and this would be the way to go, huh guys?

Most of the people I know in comedy are not weird or messed up.