Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.

I diagnosed my loneliness as premature empty nest syndrome.

At first the kid kicking the back of my airplane seat was enraging. Then I imagined it was a broken massage chair and I kinda liked it.

As you can see, I speak many languages, including the language of sex.

This is very ambitious, but I don't care. I'm just gonna go ahead and find Amelia Earhart. Every day that goes by, I just fear the worst for her.

Sarcasm doesn't read sarcastic in print.

Most of the people I know in comedy are not weird or messed up.