Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.

I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.

Oh man, the car could just burst into flames right now and this would be the way to go, huh guys?

As you can see, I speak many languages, including the language of sex.

A kiss is like a fight, with mouths.

The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I'm starting to panic that I'm a ghost.

I think I've always had a disconnect from what I'm supposed to be like.