I'd hate to be a writer forever and never perform, and I'd hate to perform and not write. I get sad if time has passed and I haven't written or made anything. I'm an artist.

I'd hate to be a writer forever and never perform, and I'd hate to perform and not write. I get sad if time has passed and I haven't written or made anything. I'm an artist.

I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.

I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.

As you can see, I speak many languages, including the language of sex.

I'm just happy our nations are on the same page of keeping shitty reality TV on the air. Small world!

Mel: What was your name again? Rain: Rain. Mel: Oh that's nice. Kind of like bad weather.