I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.

Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground.

Oh man, the car could just burst into flames right now and this would be the way to go, huh guys?

At first the kid kicking the back of my airplane seat was enraging. Then I imagined it was a broken massage chair and I kinda liked it.

If I'm having a fancy glass of champagne, I'll always mix it with the champagne of beers. Because I deserve all the champagnes.

Another goal that I have is to learn how to play the ukulele - should be fun - and to stop taking my clothes off for money. But I need money. That is a ridiculous goal. I'm gonna cross that one off. That's stupid.

Still blows my mind that toilet paper isn't free.