I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.

The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I'm starting to panic that I'm a ghost.

I'd hate to be a writer forever and never perform, and I'd hate to perform and not write. I get sad if time has passed and I haven't written or made anything. I'm an artist.

I diagnosed my loneliness as premature empty nest syndrome.

Another goal that I have is to learn how to play the ukulele - should be fun - and to stop taking my clothes off for money. But I need money. That is a ridiculous goal. I'm gonna cross that one off. That's stupid.

I'm so happy to be around people. I just really like people, and being a freelancer can be lonely during the day, when you're at home trying to write anything you can.

Most of the people I know in comedy are not weird or messed up.