I think I've always had a disconnect from what I'm supposed to be like.

I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.

One good thing about being locked in a cage: No responsibility!

The torture that they are coming up with in China is so creative. They have this other method where they'll take a bamboo and they'll plant it in your anus and just let it grow. So patient. Man, watch out for China, I say. They have all the ambition as we do but none of the heart.

If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently?

The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I'm starting to panic that I'm a ghost.

Just because I'm married to Doug doesn't mean I can't be here for you.