I think I've always had a disconnect from what I'm supposed to be like.

Most of the people I know in comedy are not weird or messed up.

Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground.

If I'm having a fancy glass of champagne, I'll always mix it with the champagne of beers. Because I deserve all the champagnes.

The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I'm starting to panic that I'm a ghost.

Just because I'm married to Doug doesn't mean I can't be here for you.

I would imagine that Bret would taste like a warm goat cheese, and Jemaine would taste like harvati with dill. Hmm...I'm hungry actually.