Another goal that I have is to learn how to play the ukulele - should be fun - and to stop taking my clothes off for money. But I need money. That is a ridiculous goal. I'm gonna cross that one off. That's stupid.

At first the kid kicking the back of my airplane seat was enraging. Then I imagined it was a broken massage chair and I kinda liked it.

Some women were talking about how I put out. And that's just not that case. I don't put out - unless I'm asked very, very politely, and that's not putting out, that's just giving in.

The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I'm starting to panic that I'm a ghost.

I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.

I'm just happy our nations are on the same page of keeping shitty reality TV on the air. Small world!

I'd hate to be a writer forever and never perform, and I'd hate to perform and not write. I get sad if time has passed and I haven't written or made anything. I'm an artist.