Another goal that I have is to learn how to play the ukulele - should be fun - and to stop taking my clothes off for money. But I need money. That is a ridiculous goal. I'm gonna cross that one off. That's stupid.

I diagnosed my loneliness as premature empty nest syndrome.

If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently?

I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.

I'm just happy our nations are on the same page of keeping shitty reality TV on the air. Small world!

The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I'm starting to panic that I'm a ghost.

Just because I'm married to Doug doesn't mean I can't be here for you.