Another goal that I have is to learn how to play the ukulele - should be fun - and to stop taking my clothes off for money. But I need money. That is a ridiculous goal. I'm gonna cross that one off. That's stupid.

Guys. If your pants are below your ass you have no right to accuse any lady of dressing slutty.

All the best movies are the ones that are cut from a more middle ground.

I diagnosed my loneliness as premature empty nest syndrome.

Sarcasm doesn't read sarcastic in print.

I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.

This is very ambitious, but I don't care. I'm just gonna go ahead and find Amelia Earhart. Every day that goes by, I just fear the worst for her.