A kiss is like a fight, with mouths.

If I'm having a fancy glass of champagne, I'll always mix it with the champagne of beers. Because I deserve all the champagnes.

This is very ambitious, but I don't care. I'm just gonna go ahead and find Amelia Earhart. Every day that goes by, I just fear the worst for her.

I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.

Most of the people I know in comedy are not weird or messed up.

I'm just happy our nations are on the same page of keeping shitty reality TV on the air. Small world!

I would imagine that Bret would taste like a warm goat cheese, and Jemaine would taste like harvati with dill. Hmm...I'm hungry actually.