Guys. If your pants are below your ass you have no right to accuse any lady of dressing slutty.

The torture that they are coming up with in China is so creative. They have this other method where they'll take a bamboo and they'll plant it in your anus and just let it grow. So patient. Man, watch out for China, I say. They have all the ambition as we do but none of the heart.

I prefer writing for myself to perform, I guess. But if I had to choose, I'd rather perform in someone's movie than write a movie for someone else.

Just because I'm married to Doug doesn't mean I can't be here for you.

Mel: What was your name again? Rain: Rain. Mel: Oh that's nice. Kind of like bad weather.

Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.

I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.