All the best movies are the ones that are cut from a more middle ground.

I prefer writing for myself to perform, I guess. But if I had to choose, I'd rather perform in someone's movie than write a movie for someone else.

Sarcasm doesn't read sarcastic in print.

The torture that they are coming up with in China is so creative. They have this other method where they'll take a bamboo and they'll plant it in your anus and just let it grow. So patient. Man, watch out for China, I say. They have all the ambition as we do but none of the heart.

Mel: What was your name again? Rain: Rain. Mel: Oh that's nice. Kind of like bad weather.

I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.

You know, quite a few species of fish require two or more sexual partners.