All the best movies are the ones that are cut from a more middle ground.

I mean if you two were to make love, that would be gay. Two men touching each other physically and emotionally...erotically caressing each other...on the hood of a car...or the back of a movie theater.

I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.

I'm just happy our nations are on the same page of keeping shitty reality TV on the air. Small world!

I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.

Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground.

Most of the people I know in comedy are not weird or messed up.