All the best movies are the ones that are cut from a more middle ground.

Most of the people I know in comedy are not weird or messed up.

At first the kid kicking the back of my airplane seat was enraging. Then I imagined it was a broken massage chair and I kinda liked it.

Guys. If your pants are below your ass you have no right to accuse any lady of dressing slutty.

I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.

This is very ambitious, but I don't care. I'm just gonna go ahead and find Amelia Earhart. Every day that goes by, I just fear the worst for her.

I diagnosed my loneliness as premature empty nest syndrome.