I think that for the most part, when I started doing comedy, it had become very commercialized.

Well, as you know, I'm really only happy when I'm on stage.

I got a Swede lawyer?!? She's gonna get everything!

I’d rather have the thieves than the neighbors - the thieves don't impose. Thieves just want your things, neighbors want your time.

Do not degrade me in the military uniform I wear for it represents the love I have for my country, and the sacrifices myself and millions of other American soldiers make everyday to protect the freedom we enjoy by living in the United States of America.

I find human contact repulsive.

I learned the first night that IHOP's not the place to order fish.