Larry David Quotes

I got a Swede lawyer?!? She's gonna get everything!

I’d rather have the thieves than the neighbors - the thieves don't impose. Thieves just want your things, neighbors want your time.

I'm surprized Hitler didn't round up the toupee people.

It's not every day that you get to be affectionate around something, it just doesn't happen that often.

Well, as you know, I'm really only happy when I'm on stage.

A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone

I'd like to start a family, but you have to have a date first.

I don't like talking to people I KNOW, but strangers, I have no problem with.

I have no sense of well-being. There's no chance the well will run dry.

Weathermen merely forecast rain to keep everyone else off the golf course

Most practical jokes, I'll feel too bad for the other person so I'll stop just before the punchline.

I find human contact repulsive.

I wasn't making fun of my father in-law's religion. And even if I was so what, it's a comedy. Religion should be made fun of, it's quite ridiculous isn't it. Think how people spend their lives, they have no idea. They go around as if this is a fact. It's so insane you know. If I really believed that stuff I'd keep it to myself. Lest somebody think I was out of my mind.

I'm Larry David. I happen to enjoy wearing women's panties.

Anything that's for free, people will take. They don't discriminate.

The closest I ever came to death was masturbating with a 104-degree temperature.

Do not degrade me in the military uniform I wear for it represents the love I have for my country, and the sacrifices myself and millions of other American soldiers make everyday to protect the freedom we enjoy by living in the United States of America.

You write about what you know.

Pretty good. Pretttttttty, pretttttttttty, pretttttty good.

A place to go - that's what my mother always instilled in me. You need a place to go. And you're worthless unless you have a place to go.

Did Bill Clinton actually think that he could get blow jobs from a Jewish woman and there would be no consequences?

You know who wears sunglasses inside? Blind people and assholes.

Being Larry David on Curb Your Enthusiasm was the best thing to happen to Larry David in life.

I'm trying to elevate small-talk to medium talk.

Sometimes you have to rely on sex and bodily functions.

Give a guy a girlfriend and a great job, he doesn’t need therapy.

Hitler really ruined that mustache for everybody. It’s really an interesting mustache, but now, no one can wear it.

I learned the first night that IHOP's not the place to order fish.

Who do you think has more freedom: the married man in America or the single man in Communist China?

I don't like to analyze my music too much. It just comes welling up out of the depths of my soul.

I think that for the most part, when I started doing comedy, it had become very commercialized.

You can't do anything in life. The social barriers in life are so intense and horrific that every encounter is just fraught with so many problems and dread. Every social situation is a potential nightmare.

I've always loathed rich people, so I've become who I've loathed, which makes it doubly difficult, if you can follow me.

A good compromise is when both parties are dissatisfied

If I tried to flirt with a woman and she didn't know who I was, she would run away.