I find human contact repulsive.

Sometimes you have to rely on sex and bodily functions.

A good compromise is when both parties are dissatisfied

A place to go - that's what my mother always instilled in me. You need a place to go. And you're worthless unless you have a place to go.

Most practical jokes, I'll feel too bad for the other person so I'll stop just before the punchline.

Being Larry David on Curb Your Enthusiasm was the best thing to happen to Larry David in life.

Hitler really ruined that mustache for everybody. It’s really an interesting mustache, but now, no one can wear it.