Hitler really ruined that mustache for everybody. It’s really an interesting mustache, but now, no one can wear it.

I’d rather have the thieves than the neighbors - the thieves don't impose. Thieves just want your things, neighbors want your time.

Sometimes you have to rely on sex and bodily functions.

I don't like talking to people I KNOW, but strangers, I have no problem with.

I'm trying to elevate small-talk to medium talk.

Give a guy a girlfriend and a great job, he doesn’t need therapy.

Most practical jokes, I'll feel too bad for the other person so I'll stop just before the punchline.