I’d rather have the thieves than the neighbors - the thieves don't impose. Thieves just want your things, neighbors want your time.

I'm Larry David. I happen to enjoy wearing women's panties.

Weathermen merely forecast rain to keep everyone else off the golf course

The closest I ever came to death was masturbating with a 104-degree temperature.

I have no sense of well-being. There's no chance the well will run dry.

I think that for the most part, when I started doing comedy, it had become very commercialized.

I'd like to start a family, but you have to have a date first.