I’d rather have the thieves than the neighbors - the thieves don't impose. Thieves just want your things, neighbors want your time.

A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone

Do not degrade me in the military uniform I wear for it represents the love I have for my country, and the sacrifices myself and millions of other American soldiers make everyday to protect the freedom we enjoy by living in the United States of America.

Well, as you know, I'm really only happy when I'm on stage.

The closest I ever came to death was masturbating with a 104-degree temperature.

It's not every day that you get to be affectionate around something, it just doesn't happen that often.

I wasn't making fun of my father in-law's religion. And even if I was so what, it's a comedy. Religion should be made fun of, it's quite ridiculous isn't it. Think how people spend their lives, they have no idea. They go around as if this is a fact. It's so insane you know. If I really believed that stuff I'd keep it to myself. Lest somebody think I was out of my mind.