A place to go - that's what my mother always instilled in me. You need a place to go. And you're worthless unless you have a place to go.

I'm surprized Hitler didn't round up the toupee people.

Who do you think has more freedom: the married man in America or the single man in Communist China?

Well, as you know, I'm really only happy when I'm on stage.

Most practical jokes, I'll feel too bad for the other person so I'll stop just before the punchline.

You know who wears sunglasses inside? Blind people and assholes.

I'm Larry David. I happen to enjoy wearing women's panties.