I learned the first night that IHOP's not the place to order fish.

Anything that's for free, people will take. They don't discriminate.

You know who wears sunglasses inside? Blind people and assholes.

You write about what you know.

Sometimes you have to rely on sex and bodily functions.

Did Bill Clinton actually think that he could get blow jobs from a Jewish woman and there would be no consequences?

Well, as you know, I'm really only happy when I'm on stage.