For the sake of argument I'll ignore all your fighting words.
Information doesn't want to be free. Information wants to be valuable.
Perl is designed to give you several ways to do anything, so consider picking the most readable one.
Symmetry is overrated. Overrated is symmetry.
Many days I don't write any code at all, and some days I spend all day writing code.
The way I see it, if you declare something portable, you'll always be wrong, and if you declare it non-portable, you'll always be right.