My swing is so bad I look like a caveman killing his lunch.

I'm a golfaholic. And all the counseling in the world wouldn't help me.

Just remember, somewhere there's some guy who's tired of putting up with her crap

Only bad golfers are lucky. They're the ones bouncing balls off trees, curbs, turtles and cars. Good golfers have bad luck. When you hit the ball straight, a funny bounce is bound to be unlucky.

In case of a thunderstorm, stand in the middle of the fairway and hold up a one iron. Not even God can hit a one iron.

My divorce came to me as a complete surprise. That's what happens when you haven't been home in eighteen years.

To me, the [British] Open is the tournament I would come to if I had to leave a month before and swim over.