No one who ever had lessons would have a swing like mine.

Caddies are a breed of their own. If you shoot 66, they say, "Man, we shot 66!" But go out and shoot 77, and they say "Hell, he shot 77!"

They say I'm famous for my chip shots. Sure, when I hit 'em right, they land just so, like a butterfly with sore feet.

I have an orthopedic pillow that's made out of a sponge material. I have a plate in my throat, and I have to be careful or I could end up with a bad neck in the morning. That pillow is a must everywhere I go.

My divorce came to me as a complete surprise. That's what happens when you haven't been home in eighteen years.

I may buy the Alamo and give it back to Mexico.

A rough should have high grass. When you go bowling they don't give you anything for landing in the gutter, do they?