My family was so poor the lady next door gave birth to me.

My divorce came to me as a complete surprise. That's what happens when you haven't been home in eighteen years.

If Jack Nicklaus had to play my tee shots, he couldn't break 80. He'd be a pharmacist with a string of drugstores in Ohio.

They say I'm famous for my chip shots. Sure, when I hit 'em right, they land just so, like a butterfly with sore feet.

I'm really going to do my homework. I'm going to be down there on the practice tee finding out if a guy's wife beat him up the night before, important stuff like that. Stuff that people want to know.

My wife doesn't care what I do when I'm away, as long as I don't have a good time.

I keep lot of my opinions to myself.