Arnie has more people watching him park the car than we do out on the course.

I never played much golf as a kid. I caddied quite a bit but never got serious into golf until about age 15.

I got no pride on the hole. It's a par-5 and I play it that way. A four is a birdie.

My wife doesn't care what I do when I'm away, as long as I don't have a good time.

I'm really going to do my homework. I'm going to be down there on the practice tee finding out if a guy's wife beat him up the night before, important stuff like that. Stuff that people want to know.

Only bad golfers are lucky. They're the ones bouncing balls off trees, curbs, turtles and cars. Good golfers have bad luck. When you hit the ball straight, a funny bounce is bound to be unlucky.

You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.