I would become a priest or a rabbi or a monk or whatever the hell was necessary to perform miracles such as taking money from someone else's pocket and putting it into mine, still remaining within the confines of the law.

A lot of people say to me, 'Why did you kill Christ?' I dunno, it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know.

If something about the human body disgusts you, the fault lies with the manufacturer.

Satire is tragedy plus time.

Once the country was settled and built, the bosses changed the order from a stack of educated workers to a barrel of minimum wage lottery dreamers.

That's where the conflict starts. We all want for a wife a combination Sunday school teacher and a $500-a-night hooker.

I was surprised when Nixon passed the test and showed up in heaven, but, I guess Hitler threw off the curve for our century.