I would become a priest or a rabbi or a monk or whatever the hell was necessary to perform miracles such as taking money from someone else's pocket and putting it into mine, still remaining within the confines of the law.

I wanted out of the navy so bad in '45, I faked homo to get a discharge. It didn't matter that the Germans surrendered, I knew we were heading to Japan and I was done with that scene.

The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.

Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York you're Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be goyish even if you are Jewish.

Faith is to the human what sand is to the ostrich.

You know there's no crooked politicians. There's never a lie because there is never any truth.

TV is just advertising for your live gig, so I'm playing whichever show is gonna get me the biggest crowd.