Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York you're Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be goyish even if you are Jewish.

The role of a comedian is to make the audience laugh, at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds.

Once you take away the struggle for food, clothing and shelter, work is the one four letter word that offends everyone.

Guys are like dogs. They keep comin' back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time, they're gone.

It's the suppression of the word that gives it the power, the violence, the viciousness.

If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.

Trying to figure things out was my gig. Without the human condition, there's no struggle, no pain and that means no laughter.