The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it.

The 'what should be' never did exist, but people keep trying to live up to it. There is no 'what should be,' there is only what is.

I know what "custody" [of the children] means. "Get even." That's all custody means. Get even with your old lady.

Once the country was settled and built, the bosses changed the order from a stack of educated workers to a barrel of minimum wage lottery dreamers.

Communism is just one big telephone company.

I would become a priest or a rabbi or a monk or whatever the hell was necessary to perform miracles such as taking money from someone else's pocket and putting it into mine, still remaining within the confines of the law.

My only challenge was to tell my truth, man... figure out what I had to say. These days, it's not enough to boost that roomful of strangers. The young comic spends all their time trying to sound different from the million other jokesters grabbing for the mic.