The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it... try to fake three laughs in an hour - ha ha ha ha ha - they'll take you away, man. You can't.

The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.

Never tell. Not if you love your wife...In fact, if your old lady walks in on you deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck 'Lay On Top Of Me Or I'll Die.' " I didn't know what I was goin' to do.

If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.

I credit the motion picture industry as the strongest environmental factor in molding the children of my day.

If you're going to stop masturbating, you can't taper off. You've got to quit, cold jerky!

If something about the human body disgusts you, the fault lies with the manufacturer.