The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it... try to fake three laughs in an hour - ha ha ha ha ha - they'll take you away, man. You can't.

I was surprised when Nixon passed the test and showed up in heaven, but, I guess Hitler threw off the curve for our century.

Anyone who has two shirts when someone has none is not a christian.

If you're going to stop masturbating, you can't taper off. You've got to quit, cold jerky!

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.

I'm not a comedian. I'm Lenny Bruce.

If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish