Funny thing how you first meet the woman that you marry. I first met the wife in a tunnel of love. She was digging it.

I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.

Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finishes up.

I know my name will always be linked with women.

I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.

I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.