Funny thing how you first meet the woman that you marry. I first met the wife in a tunnel of love. She was digging it.

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.

The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.

I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.

I know my name will always be linked with women.

My mother-in-law had to stop skipping for exercise. It registered seven on the Richter scale.