I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.

I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.

My mother-in-law had to stop skipping for exercise. It registered seven on the Richter scale.

I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.

I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.

I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.